I accidentally had phone sex last night
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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