i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
