i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Enjoy the penises
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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