new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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