Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
