Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
