No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
