Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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