He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
