I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
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