I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
