My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I am one with the molecules
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
