Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
