I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize