Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Randomize
