i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
i drank out of a bidet.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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