Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
