I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
