Cold hands, warm shart.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
She needs sedatives and a leash
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
