so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
