Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
