You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
