people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
