Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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