fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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