I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
