I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
