I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
