my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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