well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
