Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I wish you could order shots online.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
