I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize