when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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