her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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