You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Randomize
