he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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