I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize
