Just fell off a train. Bad.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
she peed on how many people?
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I would fuck him just for his dog
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
