At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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