I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize