I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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