Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
