her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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