i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
