Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
