did you get engaged???
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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