woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
