I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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