Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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