Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
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