he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Drunk is not a location!
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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