I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
