Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
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