Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
